Wallflower

i’m drowning. the beginning of the semester (like all beginnings of all semesters) went quite nicely. i had plenty of time to set up shoots and never worried about where my next model would come from. i worked 40 hours a week with my second job and didn’t have a care.

the end of the semester (like all ends of all semesters) is a different story. i’m drowning. i have too many papers and too many projects due in too little of time. i’m going to have to start paying people to model even though i dont have time to work at my second job, therefore i have no money to offer. my priorities need to be shifted. dramatically.

otherwise, my work is going along at a steady pace. each time i set up a shoot i get more excited about my concept. however, i’m afraid that i’m not making my concept clear. i have work on the photography exchange here on wordpress, and without my explanation, people aren’t understanding my images.

one person critiqued and said that if i wanted to acknowledge Virginia Woolf, i should have stones in my image. there are stones…they’re sitting on the toilet seat and she’s even placing one large stone in her pocket. 

my problem is in showing homage to how they committed suicide without making that the point of the image. i want to focus on the feeling – that fleeting last moment of one’s life. i fear i may be failing.

i dont have heat in my apartment. sucks, right? i loathe going home each day because the temperature averages around 45-55 throughout the place. what i hate even more is that I’M not the one who has to put up with it 24 hours a day…i get a break while i’m on campus or at work or visiting a friend (preferably one with heat). however, my kitty Adrian sneezes her face off all night (normally directly into my face…just to get her point across) and it’s starting to weigh on my conscience. 

unfortunately i have $11.73 in my bank account, so the heat is not getting turned on any time soon.

other than that, nothing new has happened. i decided to switch my smith hall project around, but a lot of the images i’ve shot coincide with my new concept. 

i was telling another photography student about the night i thought i was getting robbed on the second floor. it was 1-2 in the morning and i was working alone in the darkroom. i stepped out into the hall to get a breath of fresh air and noticed a group of boys at the end of the hall with hoods over their heads. i slowly stepped back into the room and shut the door, and i immediately heard them coming down the hall. one guy whispered “which room was it?” and i freaked, haha. there’s no way to lock the room from the inside, so i ran back into the corridors of the darkroom and hid until someone came to save me.

no one ever came in, but i’m glad that i knew that darkroom like the back of my hand. 

soooooooooooooooo…….for my smith hall project, i want to photograph the parts of the building that typically go unnoticed. it could be a cubby hole in the darkroom, a white tile on the floor, a note written in a bathroom stall…but all these little things make up your experience of being here.

ohh snap it’s time to leave.

so i had my mid-semester (seriously? already??) meeting with my photography professor Hans today. it went well enough…he gave me some much needed feedback and suggested a couple of books and movies to help in my research of suicides.

however, we both agreed that if i want to stress the importance of the media’s portrayel in my series, i need help. the problem is that after obsessing over this very aspect for weeks i have yet to come to a conclusion. i think the tableau aspect showcases the romanticism of suicide by the media, but there’s something missing – that one thing that pushes my work over the edge. i’m thinking of perhaps reshooting the images using models that look absolutely nothing like the person they are meant to portray. if van gogh is suddenly immortalized by a black woman, then it becomes less about the individual and more about the concept. i think that would also enhance the fact that the media doesn’t give two shits about who you are until they can write a 5 page spread about your “tragic demise.”

but then i fear that people won’t understand what i’m trying to convey and instead wash it up to yet another suicide series. i need help. this is why i’m in grad school. any opinion would be much appreciated.

so i’m doing a series on famous suicides. a longer explanation will come later considering i am, once again, at work.

i have a mad headache. this morning we had interesting discussions (for perhaps the first time this semester) in advanced studio and i didn’t even participate in a single one. my head was exploding and certain voices were making my ears bleed.

i really don’t have anything to discuss right now. i just wish i could leave work and take a much needed nap in the uncomfort of my ridiculously cold apartment. i’m putting off turning on my gas heat for as long as possible because both my jobs suck and i spend too much money on alcohol and cigarettes. ahhh life. i’m thinking of quitting smoking anyway. i said i would quit at 22 (5 years after starting) but once i actually turned 22 it didn’t seem like such a good idea. now i’m thinking 27. a good ten years of smoking should suffice. 

speaking of smoking, i feel a nicotine attack coming on. check yous guys later.

marilyn monroe, sylvia plath, hunter s. thompson, vincent van gogh, anne sexton, kurt cobain, virginia woolf, diane arbus, eva braun, thich quang doc, elliot smith.

suicide has been extremely popular in the world of artists and celebrities since the beginning of artists and celebrities. just yesterday, on october 2, 2008, a korean actress took her own life in her apartment in seoul, south korea. an actress that i had never heard of prior to the incident. however, taking her own life deemed her worthy enough to make the headline news in the united states.

why?

death is indescribable. no one can explain it simply because no one has lived to tell about it. what is it about taking your own life that excites the individual, and – in all actuality – the ones remaining who view the event?

right now i’m working on a series involving the suicide of celebrities, artists, musicians, and authors. what is it about the individual that has given them their legendary status? was it the work they created while they were among the living? or is it the act in which they ended their lives? 

uploaded images and better explanation to come. right now i’m working and i assume my boss doesn’t want me “playing” on the internet…damn shame.